


Hope(?)

by felisblanco



Category: Angel: the Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-02-23
Updated: 2005-02-23
Packaged: 2018-10-19 21:54:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10648800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felisblanco/pseuds/felisblanco
Summary: Spike is fed up with Angel's attitude.





	Hope(?)

**Author's Note:**

> I give up. This story refuses to go the way I planned. It just bloody well won't! *kicks it* But because I hate bringing people down (yes, this is that story *rolls eyes in frustration*) I will post it on two parts.
> 
> First we have, for [](http://snowpuppies.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://snowpuppies.livejournal.com/)**snowpuppies** who wanted Spangel and 'hope' a sorta Spangelly Spes with angst but I managed 'hope'. Yay!

“So this is where you’ve been hiding.”

The dark shape didn’t move but somehow the shadows surrounding it seemed to vibrate for a second. “Not hiding. Piss off.”

Wesley hesitated but the prospect of returning to the gloom and doom of the upper floors didn’t hold much appeal. “Of course not. Just a figure of speech.” He stood silent for a minute, watching as Spike tried his best to pretend he wasn’t there. “Everything… all right?”

“Everything’s just peachy. Go away.” Spike lifted a bottle to his lips, cursing when all he got was a tiny sip. He glared at the empty vessel then put it down with a sigh. “What do you want, Wes?”

It took Wesley slightly aback to hear Spike say his actual name. That was a first. He cleared his throat to hide his embarrassment. “Well, Spike… you see the thing is… God, there is no easy way to say this, is there?”

“Just spit it out. Not like I don’t know.” Spike tapped slender fingers angrily on his thigh. “He sent you, didn’t he? God, he’s such a bastard.” The voice shivered slightly.

Wes frowned. “Well, actually…”

Spike suddenly grabbed the bottle and smashed it into the wall, splinters of glass showering over them. Wes felt a sharp sting on his cheek but he didn’t move or make a sound. The sudden outburst of emotion died down as soon as it had started and he watched with fascination as Spike’s shoulders fell and he looked to all the world like a lost little boy.

“Hate this place anyway. Drains the soul out of me. I just thought…” Spike swept the back of his hand over his eyes. “Not that it matters. Tell the bloody coward… tell him…” He turned around and looked at Wes, the misery in his eyes gut wrenching. “On second thought… don’t tell him anything. It’s too late anyway.”

He was halfway across the parking lot when Wesley’s soft voice reached him. “He didn’t send me. I came looking for you because… well, I rather care for the ‘bloody coward’ and I was hoping something could be done. It’s killing him, you know.”

Spike turned around and stared at him, a frown of confusion on his face. “What was that?”

Wes sighed. “This… _thing_ between you and him. You’re not the only depressed vampire around here if you haven’t noticed. I don’t want to sound too damn American but can’t you two try and talk things through?”

Spike stood frozen for a long time, but then he slumped and looked away, shaking his head. “I’ve tried and he won’t listen. To him that’s…” He looked up, pain in his eyes. “It’s something that belongs in the past and is best forgotten. It’s something Angelus did and it never meant anything. It’s…” He laughed hollowly. “It’s _evil_.”

Wesley nodded thoughtfully. “I take it was something else to you. Even then.”

Spike closed his eyes. “To me? To me it was everything. And a soul didn’t change that. Neither his nor mine.” He opened his eyes again and clenched his jaw. “I was quite capable of loving without a soul. With it… The only change is that now when he tells me how much he hates me I believe him.” His jaw clenched as he swallowed. “So yeah, I still love him but it doesn’t matter. I can’t stay, Wesley. It’s killing _me_.”

“And leaving won’t?”

Wesley’s harsh words made him flinch. “Do you know how hard it is to have the one you love right in front of you, hating your guts? Not for who you are but for what you are? I’ve already done that, I can’t go through that again.”

Wesley watched him with sympathy. “Buffy did love you, Spike. Maybe not quite the way you wanted but still...”

“Yeah right.” Spike snorted. “I don’t know what that prat Andrew told you but…”

“Angel told me. She called him when you… died. She told him she loved you. She thought of you as her closest friend. She cried.”

Spike was silent for a long time. Then he nodded. “Thank you.” He turned away, once again making to leave.

“So did Angel.” Wesley’s voice was barely above a whisper but it made Spike stop in his tracks like he’d been hit. “Cry, I mean. I didn’t of course know why but I do now. I thought Buffy had finally rejected him, told him there could never be anything between them, but then I saw he was looking at an old drawing. Of you. I don’t think he noticed me but if he did he’s never mentioned it.”

“He cried?” Spike seemed at loss. “Angel never cries. You sure he wasn’t laughing?”

Wesley smiled. “Quite sure. And when you came back… I know he’s been an ass, but I don’t think it’s because he doesn’t care anymore. I think it’s more because he cares too much.”

“Wesley…”

“No, listen to me. Everyone he’s loved he’s lost. Darla, Buffy, Doyle, Cordelia…” Wesley swallowed. “Fred. Friends, family, lovers… you might be love’s bitch but he probably feels like he’s its personal punch bag. I think… you’re not the only one scared, Spike. Please. Stay.”

Spike stood still, doubt and misery finally giving way to a faint look of hope in his eyes. Wes didn’t even realise he was holding his breath until the small nod made him exhale in relief. Together they walked back to the elevator and rode up in silence. When they were one floor away from their destination Spike suddenly threw Wes against the wall and before he knew what was happening cool lips were kissing him hard. Then the elevator went ‘ping’ and Wes was left leaning heavily against the wall as Spike strode out and disappeared into Angel’s office, slamming the door behind him.

 

**Those of you that want to hold onto that hope, please stop reading now.**

 

**Hope?**

“I thought you were gone.” Angel’s cold voice made Spike stop short and for half a second he considered turning around and doing just what the tone suggested.

“Almost was. Someone made me change my mind.”

“Pity.” The word cut him to the core but then he noticed the twitch in Angel’s tense jaw.

“I guess so. Or rather: pitiful. You, that is. Sitting there on your arse. Too scared to be a demon. Too much of a human to just fucking take what you want and to hell with what people think.”

Angel rose from behind the desk, growling. “Watch what you’re saying, childe.”

Spike snorted. “Is that supposed to scare me? For over a hundred years you haven’t been my sire and now suddenly I’m supposed to roll over? Don’t think so, mate.”

Angel stood still, watching him. Then he slowly walked around the desk. “What do you want, Spike? Cut to the chase or get the fuck out of here.”

Spike had to fight not to turn around and run out the door. Instead he kept his eyes locked to Angel’s; trying to read something out of them other than the hate Angel wanted him to see. “I want you to stop being such a prissy prick. I want you to take a damn chance for once. I want you to get that thick head out of your tight arse and admit that you feel something. I want you…”

The punch threw him to the floor and when his vision cleared he was looking straight into golden eyes, inches from his own. “Is this what you want? Is it, William? You want this back?” Angel was straddling him, hands gripping his wrists painfully, shallow breath brushing his face. “You didn’t get enough last time? Still aching for my cock to rip you open until you scream and beg for me to stop? Are you really that sick for the past? Are you, Willie boy?”

Spike kept his gaze steady, determined to not let Angel’s fears become his own. “You’re a dumb fuck, Angel. No one is asking you to become him. I don’t miss him. I miss us.”

Angel froze, then quickly got up but not before Spike felt something twitch against his thigh. “There is no us. There will never be an us. The sooner you get that through your thick skull the better.”

“Why?”

Angel turned around and stared at him. “ _Why_? Are you serious?”

“Yeah. Why, Angel? Why can there never be an us? And don’t give me any shit about perfect happiness because we both know that’s not gonna happen again. And certainly not with me.”

“Perfect happiness?” Angel cold laughter cut deep into Spike’s heart. “Spike, I don’t even want you. I never wanted you. Yes, I know we fucked. But that was then, this is now. We were soulless demons, we would have fucked anything that moved and preferably screamed. But things are different now. _We_ are different now. So stop trying to turn back time.”

“You are so stupid, you know that?” Spike’s voice shook with anger. “So bloody stupid it’s a wonder you managed to survive for so long. You want to live in denial, fine. But don’t you **ever** presume to know me or my feelings. You might have fucked a sheep if it shook its arse at you but I was never like that. And you bloody well know it.”

“Spike…” Angel took an angry step toward him but Spike was too far gone in his hurt to back off.

“You’re so busy remembering all the evil in your past that you’ve forgotten everything else. But I remember, sire.” He stopped and looked up at Angel, sadness in his eyes. “I remember lazy days lying naked in front of a blazing fire. I remember reading poetry and watching opera while you whispered obscenities in my ear. I remember kisses and touches that made my skin burn. And I remember loving you with a passion that had me crying for weeks when you left.”

“What do you want from me, Spike?” Angel was shouting, his voice shaking. “I can’t be that man again. Never.”

“No one is asking you to.” Spike grabbed Angel’s clenched fist and held them still. “All I’m asking is that you remember how it felt and tell me why you don’t want that again.”

“It wasn’t love!” Angel sounded desperate. “We had no souls…”

Spike rolled his eyes and let him go. “Oh for god’s sake, fuck the soul! Tell me, Angel, do you really want me to go? Because this is it. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be so close to you without having you. So you have to choose.”

Brown eyes widened but then Angel’s face went cold. “Are you threatening me?”

Spike sighed. “I’m only stating the facts. You have today. At midnight I’m leaving. You know where to find me.” And he walked through the door, leaving Angel to stare after him, fists clenched at his sides.

~~~~~~~~

Five minutes to midnight he was ready. Not that he had much to pack anyway. He looked over the small basement room he’d been living in for the last months, its impersonality again reminding him how little impact he’d made on the world since he came back. Was this all he had been revived for? Empty beer bottles and stained sheets?

He sighed and turned to the door, only to walk straight into Angel’s arms that grabbed him tight and then there were hard lips pressing against his. For a moment he froze but then he was kissing back with a fiery passion. He was so caught up in his emotions that he missed Angel’s quiet whisper of ‘Goodbye’ and when he found himself suddenly alone again he thought for a brief second that Angel had gone invisible.

The boat to Europe left an hour later.

fin

**Author's Note:**

> I know, I know. I tried.*sobs* Stupid muse. *kicks it* I was gonna end on this hot sex scene and it refused to let me. Please kill me now. *cries* Maybe I can write a sequel where Angel comes running after Spike when he finally realises what a stupid mistake he's made? Damn, damn, damn.


End file.
